I speak of vulnerability alot. But guess what? I hate it.
Last week was hard. I felt flat, lacked motivation and slipped into a vortex of self doubt. My usual instinct when this happens is to isolate, internalise and try and cognitively work out what’s happening and make sense of it. Often reframing or just having an afternoon in bed with an excellent book or film is enough to reboot me. But it didn’t work. It was only after two days of my brain working overtime trying to organise my feelings that I stopped and thought about vulnerability. I knew the antidote to this was sharing my feelings with someone else. This is where the bit about me hating vulnerability comes in. I hold and sit with other people’s emotions for my job, surely I can hold my own? What will others think of me if I can’t? Eventually I contacted a friend who knows me well, he listens with non judgement and doesn’t try and fix the problem. We met up, had a beer and talked honestly about all the unsaid things. The things I don’t often talk about with others. Fear, doubt and failure. We didn’t solve anything, there was no solution. But after an hour the fog had lifted, I was laughing, dreaming up ideas with my friend and feeling like myself again. Simply the act of him witnessing that part of me that I keep so well hidden and still accepting me was enough to move me through it.
I’m leaning into vulnerability, because allowing myself to be fully seen is accepting and loving who I am
Kareena. x
Kareena Hodgson was a full-time professional international circus performer for 20 years, who is now an accredited Counsellor/life coach and The Manifesto is her professional consultancy. She is uniquely suited to working in the mental health space within the performing arts. She is also the Senior Editor, Executive Coach & Moral Backbone of Carnival Cinema.
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